Thursday, June 16, 2005

Get These Goddamn Monkeys Away From Me!

I tried to come up with a clever title. Cleverness sells, just look at the networks these days. If I’m going to get a piece of that pie, I need to be smart, devious.


The only problem is, I don’t have much clever in me, so this is what I ended up with. Really, who can’t understand, though? Goddamn monkeys are running everything. I can’t move five feet in 30 minutes on I-66 thanks to the goddamn monkeys. I can’t turn on the TV without wanting to kill – goddamn monkeys. If you have something to say about it, talk to my secretary, I’m sure she’ll log your call or email. I’ll be sure to care.

I’m a Threat to Homeland Security: With such a sunny attitude, I can’t imagine why people wouldn’t love me. I guess it’s because I’m a terrorist, who probably hates freedom. That’s right, little old me. One of my coworkers is a hardline Republican (stop me if you’ve heard this one before), the kind of guy who says with a straight face that Jane Fonda is a Marxist, Hillary Clinton is the anti-Christ, and the Internet is the worst invention since the nuclear bomb. This guy provides me with hours of fun. Oh, I like him enough, he’s actually pretty personable and funny when he’s not dripping foam from the corners of his mouth, but when it comes to politics, well…he’s cocaine, I’m heroin, and the office body politic is John Belushi. For instance, just yesterday he was amused to note that I admire and like Howard Dean (we need some lefties who actually kick ass and don’t capitulate, capitulate, capitulate, but that’s another story for another time), who is on his shit list after his recent comments about Republicans. Yeah, I know, how dare he say that this white Christian male is a white Christian male? I was, like, so horrified! Anyway, the beauty of such a comment is that he forgets about things like Sensenbrenner rewriting Congressional minutes to indicate that Democrats support child molestation and, oh, all of Bill O’Reilly’s shows, and Fox News. Even if we weren’t talking fighting fire with fire, I can’t imagine why Howard would say he hates Republicans! Many hours of silence followed our conversation. I was pretty amused, though. This is, after all, the same guy who referred to me as a Urban IP Terrorist and threatened to report me to the NSA and DHS, so I take it with a grain of salt and a great dose of amusement. At least until I start blowing up collocations. Your web hosting is next! We have this winnuke, are you afraid?

Randall Terry is running for the Florida Senate: Jesus fucking Christ man! Only in Florida. If you’re not familiar with this particular fuckstick, he was the one leading the Schiavo charge on the ground. Now he wants to run things. He really wants you to believe he’s a nice guy, too. That whole Christian Fascist thing? All bad PR. He certainly didn’t say “I want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over you. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good ... if a Christian voted for Clinton, he sinned against God. It's that simple. Our goal is a Christian nation. We have a biblical duty, we are called by God to conquer this country..” It was the fucking media! Those crooks! They’re always fucking over the good man!

Media Coverage of the Downing Memos: Good to see the old journalistic bulwarks are in place, defending our Republic from the damage that would be done to it. Well, no, actually, not. Goddamn monkeys are too busy ass-creeping these days to be bothered with actual coverage. But fear not! We have tough men like Fred Kaplan, in the above-mentioned article, on the scene to tell you what’s important! You don’t need to worry your little head about whether Bush was hellbent on war or manipulated evidence to go. We already know that! And since we already know it, Bush gets a free pass! You know, the same way if someone commits a murder and we know they did it, we don’t need to prosecute them. Evidence of the murder? Who cares! Who already knew the guy did it. We don’t need to pursue it. The good news is, we’re not all sleeping on the fucking job. There are real people out there, like Media Matters, who understand what shit is what. Read that article. I beg you. Here’s their kicker: “The analogy to President Clinton bears repeating: By the Post's reasoning, if independent counsel Kenneth Starr had produced definitive evidence that President Bill Clinton had committed perjury, the Post wouldn't have reported it because many Americans already believed it to be true. Does anyone really believe the Post would have ignored such a story?” Please read that, Fred Kaplan, and get back to me on it. Oh, right, you won’t, because you’re too busy fucking Jeff Gannon or whatever other pretty boy they’re slipping it to in the White House these days.

Oil Discovered in Darfur: Bush says Sudan has been developing WMD for the past ten years. How long, how long must we wait in the wilderness while they build these weapons to threaten us? Don’t you know we have to protect freedom? Think of the children! On a serious note, look for Operation Black Thunder, coming this January, from the same folks who brought you such great hits as Operation Enduring Freedom, Operation Infinite Justice, and Operation Iraqi Freedom!

Michael Jackson Takes a Shit: Attorneys report it smelled really bad, and that he must toughen up on his intake of fiber. Developing…

Posted by crimnos @ 8:21 AM